Being asexual rocks. But, means unless my preferences change, I’ll most likely spend the rest of my life alone. Throw in social anxiety, and you can paint a pretty good picture of a loner.
When I was younger, I used to say that I preferred to be alone. I didn’t really. But, I didn’t know how not to be alone. These days, I keep myself so busy, I really don’t have room for anyone else in my life. That’s probably why I haven’t quit my job yet. Outside of studying, I don’t know how I wouldn’t know what to do with my time.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t completely isolate myself. And if I’m out with other people, I do eventually get comfortable enough to have a good time. It’s just getting there that’s the problem.
Maybe that’s why I’m hesitant to go forward with transition. I take hormones. And I’ve done plenty of hair removal. But, I can’t see how I can afford facial surgery. Which in my opinion means I’ll never pass. Which means I’ll never transition. I don’t want to get beat up or killed.
I wish I knew how to break this endless cycle of non-success.