With the exception of outing my gender dysphoria earlier in this blog, I’ve been hesitant to write about it. Although, that was the intent. I still fear losing friends and family. And people getting the wrong impression of me.
A little over a month ago, I finally was able to walk into a support group. It took me several months to find the courage. I don’t know why I was able to do it. Maybe I was having a good day. Social anxiety is a bitch. Just like any new place, once I’m able to go through the door, it’s easier to go in from then on.
Everyone there has been incredibly nice. I go there for the transgender support group meetings. I’ve been a member of online forums before. But, this is the first time I’ve been in a room sitting around a table with other people who share the same problem.
I won’t go into detail. The conversations that happen in there stay in there. And it’s not fair to the other people. But, I can be general and vague. I’ve been to about five or six meetings now. What I’ve found is that most people attend every other week. There are meetings once a week. One week I’ll go and there will be 4 people. The next week, 15. There are some people that attend every week. But, most you only see every so often. There are two moderators who alternate attending. That may be why more people show up to one particular meeting. But, without asking everyone I’ll never know if that’s true. There is a mix of people who identify male and those who identify female. But, overall, we all share the same frustration of being born in the wrong body. I would say the majority of those who attend have transitioned from one gender to another. They dress on a daily basis in the gender they identify as. And probably most of those people do pass.
That’s not where I’m at. And don’t plan on even buying any clothes until I can pass. That means being on hormones longer than I have been. And losing weight. I have a lot to work on. Oh, and the last time I wore female clothing, I was beat up. So, not looking forward to that ever again. Clothes are just clothes. I don’t understand why people make a big deal about that. When you think about it, there are only subtle differences between male and female jeans and t-shirts. And that’s the kind of clothing person I am.
Sometimes, I go wondering why I went. Nothing gets talked about. And other times, we talk about some rather heavy topics. It’s a hard thing to talk about. Most people I’ve told, can’t imagine being born with gender dysphoria. I’ve seen people get frustrated after talking about it. I’ve seen people come to tears. Some people have to go out for a smoke break after talking.
Overall, it’s been a good experience. I’ve gotten some good advice on things like self esteem and doing things for yourself. Rather than trying to please others. I’ve met transgender people before. But, in the past, while given the opportunity to talk about this subject, I was too scared. This setting provides me with the feeling of security I need. And knowing that I’m not alone makes this an incredibly valuable opportunity I don’t want to miss.
Hopefully, as time goes on, I’ll be able to talk about this more. I know it helps. Small steps. Small steps.