That song just happens to be playing at the Chipotle (Hey, give me a break. It’s my first burrito in 2 weeks) where I’m typing this out. I thought it was apt, considering the mood I’ve been in lately. Even got a tweet from a friend showing someone else notices:
“@Frogtosser I think I notice a change in your twitter behavior. I’m enjoying it.”
I think I’m just glad I haven’t been struck down for being a little honest about who I am. I remember having lunch with a trans friend some years back. We were having lunch at the airport. If we were by ourselves, I wouldn’t have a hard time talking about gender stuff. But, because there were people nearby, I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. I feared people could hear me. Of course they couldn’t. I can’t hear the people sitting next to me here. Oh, wait. Let me take these headphones out of my ears. Nope. Can’t hear them.
I feared they wouldn’t approve. They would stare. And if they had any religious objections, I feared they would come to our table and express their discontent. I just now realized what the real problem is. It’s that first sentence I just typed. “I feared they wouldn’t approve”. My self esteem has been in the basement for years. I don’t know if it goes back to when my Dad left. But, it goes back pretty far. Growing up, I thought people would like me, and in turn be my friend if I did things for them. If I was there for them. But, in reality, that only went so far. Some people recognized this, and just used me for their own gains. Others saw that I didn’t think too highly of myself and were turned off by that.
I remember talking to a couples therapist when the relationship with my then girlfriend was in trouble. One of the first things she said to me was “Why do you feel like you have to do things for people?” I responded that I didn’t think I was. Her response has been stuck in the back of my head ever since then. She said “Because it makes you feel good.” Now, at the time I didn’t recognize that about myself. The idea of that was so foreign, that I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. But, it’s stuck. Right in the back. Way back near my spine. It was like a puzzle I couldn’t solve. A puzzle that I desperately wanted to solve. I had a feeling what she said might fit into this puzzle I’m working on. But, I couldn’t make it fit. Today, I think I found it’s place.