Deny, At All Costs

I received a package today. It was something I was expecting. What was written on the back of the box, opposite the address, was unexpected and initially frightening.

I have this internet friend on the other side of the country. I trust her. Enough, that when I went exploring the bomb shelter where I live, I sent her my address just in case I got hurt. Giving it to somebody was the right thing to do. I don’t think she’ll give it out publicly or come knock on my front door.

This friend, is currently pregnant with twins. I may have this next part wrong. I don’t remember exactly how the conversation went. But, she is doing a lot of knitting. She asked me if she could knit something for me. The first thing that came to mind was a winter hat similar to what is commonly known as a “Jayne hat” among sci-fi fans. You know, the kind of hat given to Adam Baldwin’s character “Jayne” in the show Firefly”. Well, my friend finished it in lightening speed. Before I knew it, she had it in the mail.

As almost a second thought, I quickly got to on the twitter to ask her what name she addressed the packaged too.  She knows of my gender dysphoria. She said that she put my first initial with my last name. Phew. Sigh of relief. I have a roommate who does not know of my dysphoria. The last thing I needed was that conversation. I’m renting a room from him and my lease is up next month. We have talked about re-upping for another year. But, we haven’t done so yet. I don’t know if he holds any phobia towards trans people. But, I’d rather not find out.

I knew to expect the package on Friday. So, I got up early and watched for the mail out my window. But, what I didn’t know was that it had already arrived. My roommate, before taking off on his motorcycle, had placed the package on my bathroom sink. I don’t usually get mail here at the house. Instead, I have a mail box in downtown Denver. That way, in case I move, I don’t have to worry about lost mail. And its convenient to school.

Sure enough, she addressed the package the way she had she did. Then I turned it over.

On the back of the box, was written “Becca’s Jayne Hat”


I quickly shut the door, not knowing if my roommate was home. He spends the day at the other side of the house. What was I going to do? I had to take a shower anyway. I took probably the longest shower in the history of mankind. I needed an excuse for what he most likely saw. Sure, he might not have. But, I couldn’t go on that assumption. If he did see it, I needed an excuse for it. I came down to this. I would say it was a mutual friends birthday present. She sent it to me instead of our mutual friend, so I could wrap and give at a birthday present. Seemed plausible enough. But, still I couldn’t wear this hat around him. Could I? Sure, it’ s July. Winter is a ways off. And he’s 58 y/o. So, he might not even know about the show Firefly. And I leave the house with bike helmet in hand. So, when winter comes, he won’t even see it. He has a bad memory, to his own admission. I really hope so.

Now, that I have a story, I was ready to leave the confines of the bathroom. By this time, my friend had told me that her mother, who is staying with her during pregnancy, had been the person to write it. And she didn’t see it as a big deal. Sure, keeping something secret that could, if revealed, result in my death or without a roof to sleep under, is really no big deal. I appreciate that she and her mother are so open minded and accepting. But, not everyone is. Lying and obfuscation, when it comes too this issue, is perfectly acceptable.

I couldn’t leave without seeing him. While taking my bike out of the garage, he came roaring into the driveway. After friendly hello’s, and small talk about each other’s schedule (we hardly see each other), I said my goodbye to go run some errands. He seemed to be in a good mood. And didn’t mention the box at all. I was afraid to say anything about it. Too scared to even say thanks for putting it aside for me. Maybe he didn’t see it. I can only hope. Especially since there isn’t a lock on my bedroom door.

Oh, and that hat? I LOVE IT. It’s sure to keep my head warm this winter.


About Frogtosser

A former sailor and pizza maker who is done hiding from the world and is now living life to it's fullest extent. I'm a single speed bicycle commuter who enjoys writing and photography. I'm a voracious reader. And a huge geek!
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One Response to Deny, At All Costs

  1. Bertie says:

    Thanks for continuing to share your life with us, Becca. I do have a question for you – do you believe that the person that you’re renting from would possibly kill you based on the fact that someone wrote your chosen name and the name of a fairly-obscure hat on a package? If so, I’d suggest finding a new place to live. If not, then maybe the situation didn’t warrant such an extreme thought process. I’m not posting this in a judging way, but rather in a sense of putting things in perspective. The fear of being found out only gets worse the more we feed it. So, take a deep breath and live your life. It’s worth it!

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