Responses to “Project Mass Emails”

In my last two posts, I showed you the emails I sent out to friends, both close and not so close. I don’t think I could have sent those even six months ago. It took an incredible amount of strength to just hit send. But, in many ways it wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be. I took a certain amount of safeguards. I hand picked who received them. And I edited them down as much as possible. But, once you hit send, it’s gone. I’m no longer in control of the message. The email can be passed around. I could have been embarrassed online. I think what got me to the point of hitting send was that it’s the realization that it’s not the end of the world if that happened. I felt safe sending those emails to the people that received them. If it blew up in my face, I would question my associations with these people. But, I would not change my mind about my direction. And most importantly, I would not let a negative response drive me into a deep spiral of depression that endangered my life. I don’t think I would even let myself send those emails even a year ago.

Now, what was the upside to hitting send? Well, in the grand scheme of things, it was a relatively small thing. But, I like I wrote in one of the emails, I reached a point where I felt stifled in the way I could express myself online. And I had to cut a few cords. I wanted to make a switch to using a different facebook account. And I had started using Google+ under a different name. I decided that when I do transition, I want to continue these friendships. I’m not going to uproot my life. I’m happy here in Colorado. I think I can make a go of it here.

Now, the responses. All were good. There were a few people who didn’t respond. The lack of response from a few people worried me a little. But, after a few days, I let go of that worry. In the following two days after hitting send I sent out a few feelers to some of these people. What I received back was everything from one word acceptance to a delayed response due to travel. I chose not to worry. The overall tidal wave of acceptance definitely made up for the very few omissions by silence. What follows are a few responses with names omitted to protect privacy.

*One last note. It was incredibly hard to go to sleep after hitting send. But, I didn’t have any regrets.

Before I even left the diner, I received this email from a woman I went to H.S. with. But, didn’t know until I met her on twitter.

“Hot damn!  You go girl!”

That made the seven mile ride at 3am a lot easier. Everything else came in the morning.

“Well, we haven’t met in person, so I feel extra special that you let me know your news. I say, do what’s right for you and live a happy life. I wish you all the best. And hope we do meet in person sometime soon. :)” 


“Can I make this short? Fuck yeah. Happy for you! If at any time you need some support / a bouncer type give me an email or call. ”

 

“Just want to let you know that I am really proud of you Rebecca. I’ve seen you come a LONG way from the person I met hiding in the corner of the Boulder theater, afraid to interact with anyone. My main point in responding here is to express my hope that this transition will bring you the peace necessary to NEVER consider suicide again. You are a good person, and the world would be a lesser place without you.

Stay strong my friend!”

 

“Rock the fuck on, and I look forward to meeting in person one day! :)” 

 

“Good luck on your journey! Thanks for sharing 🙂 let me know if you ever need anything. see at the next ignite, yo.”

 

“Awesome. it must have taken a lot of courage to send this, and i admire you for that. i look forward to reading your updates as ****** or rebecca- as long as it’s genuinely you, it doesn’t matter.”

 

“Power to you. That took balls (no pun intended) and I wish you the best. I also call everyone “dude”, so no change there. ;)”


This could have gone horribly wrong. But, thanks to some good planning, some good judgement, and possibly some luck, I think it worked. I now don’t feel so self conscious about sharing online. And when the time comes to go make the jump to full time, I have less concerns.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for your kind words.

 

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About Frogtosser

A former sailor and pizza maker who is done hiding from the world and is now living life to it's fullest extent. I'm a single speed bicycle commuter who enjoys writing and photography. I'm a voracious reader. And a huge geek!
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3 Responses to Responses to “Project Mass Emails”

  1. Alma says:

    We’re new Twitter/Facebook friends, so I’ve really only ever known you as Rebecca. I wanted to say I really admire your courage and strength in choosing to live your life on your terms. While I haven’t gone through the gender transition you’re going through, I know what it’s like to completely change your life–to lose everyone you hold dear because of something outside of your control–and to survive it and find peace. For me, my stuff came about from having alcoholic parents and losing both of my parents at a young age. I still go through a daily exercise in staying vulnerable, pushing myself to change into the person I need to be, and standing up for what makes sense for my life.

    It’s not an easy road, but it is worth it. I’ve found that most people respect and love me more now because I am capable of loving them more and being more authentic. It’s not an easy thing, but it is necessary. I wish you all the luck in the world, and please know that you are valued and admired for the person you have always been–no matter what gender you may be.

  2. tossingfrogs says:

    Alma,
    Thank you so much for your comment. You’ve obviously been through hell and back. You sound like a very strong woman. I look up to you for your continuing efforts. Your last paragraph especially struck a cord with me.
    “I’ve found that most people respect and love me more because I am capable of loving them more and being more authentic.”
    I hope that’s the way things work out for me. I’ve always been a bit distant with people. People have always had to work hard to get close to me. To see the real me. I’ve found that as I come to a certain amount of acceptance with this and try to do something about it, I haven’t been putting up that wall around me as much. Life has become easier. I like it. 🙂
    I am happy that I have found you and you know, that other guy on online. I love your tweets. And I know that if I ever meet you in person to stand between you and my DVD collection. 😛

    • Alma says:

      Hell is relative, I guess. After a while, it becomes this thing that is so much a part of you that you learn to value those things even more than those things that came more easily. I’ve learned that true strength comes from not always being so strong, and being willing to admit when things are hard. For me, that’s the toughest part–trusting the people who care about me and knowing that the ones that are worth loving won’t disappear when something gets more difficult.

      I’ve been disconnected to. When I was a kid, that was the only way to survive emotionally…not that my parents weren’t good people who loved the Hell out of me. They just were in such pain that they were really selfish, and because I never got what I needed, I ended up–often–needing more. When I didn’t get that, I thought of it as a burden–or thought I was bad–and tried to disappear in the many fucked up ways a human mind can conceive. We all have our demons and our scars–those things that people don’t understand–the things that make them (or us) think we’re unloveable or not worth it.

      The turning point for me came when a friend–who was so much like me–shot himself in the head in front of a bunch of little girls…and I was the only one who even knew to worry about him…because he never opened up to anyone really. But he did open up to me, and I understood…though we didn’t spend a lot of time dwelling on it. If I had been the person I am now, I would have. But I couldn’t. His death, though, changed me and made me want to be more of the me I was meant to be–the me that existed before any of the rest of it. And it’s been a while now…and it’s still hard. Every day, I choose to connect with people…choose to try to be myself. For a long time, I didn’t know what that even meant–or how to even feel emotion. It’s still a struggle sometimes.

      There is always going to be someone who will find fault with who you are, and that’s okay. It hurts sometimes, but I don’t like some people either. That’s their deal. All you can do is please yourself and do things to make you happy. Doing that honors the people you love (whether they know it or not).

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