I’m amazing. I can disappear in an instant.
I used to be really good at it. Here are some examples:
*While in Chicago for a trans message board meet up, I had an anxiety attack just after getting out of the cab in a crowded area near some gay clubs. Nobody saw me vanish. I simply made a left while everyone else continued across the street. I ended up walking several miles down Clark St. back toward the hotel.
*Several years ago, some coworkers and I had to attend a company meeting at a remote location. I always used to hang back. And luckily, as everyone loaded into two different cars, there wasn’t enough room for me. I told them it wasn’t a problem. We didn’t have far to go. I would just follow them in my car. We got within a block of the location, where I hadn’t been before, and I had to turn away. I caught my breathe at a nearby gas station. And then went home.
*While at work, we were told that the new ownership would be in to see what they had just bought. I was given an apron to wear. Now, this next part is going to sound silly. But, I never used to wear an apron. I’ve always eschewed any hint of feminity just in case it would out me. That goes for aprons as well. They look too much like a skirt. I know. Silly, right? I walked out the back door and went home. Thankfully, my boss valued me enough to drive to my house later to ask if I was ok. I felt horrible. I told him I had an anxiety attack. But, that I hadn’t taken my meds that day. I didn’t tell him that it was trans phobic related.
In all of the above events, I was able to make my escape so slyly, that it took a minimum of a couple of minutes for anyone to realize I was gone. I’ve been perfecting this technique for many many years. It probably started with my shyness on the playground in elementary school. In high school, I had to up the game to make it off campus. Thankfully, once off campus I didn’t have to go far. I could see our house across the street from many of my classes.
Has any of this changed recently? I think so. I haven’t had many cases to test myself. But, I think I’m doing better. I’ve been to events where I know there will be a lot of people. I feel confident enough to make small talk with customers and people I meet on the street. A lot of my past involved not liking who I was. I hated being seen as male. So, I chose not to be seen at all. As I got older, I found that I couldn’t breathe around large crowds. I felt like everyone was judging me. And as an adult, I found it very hard to walk into buildings I had never been before. Now, as I come to acceptance, everything is easier. When I say everything, I mean every aspect of life I’ve tried recently.
Should I just forget that part of my life? I don’t think I could if I tried. And I don’t think I should. Having the ability to vanish in a moments notice might come in handy someday. Imagine being in a tight situation where escape depends on being quiet and fast. Heck, maybe I could start a new career as a jewelry or art thief. 😛