This topic is very hard to write about. Sure, it’s personal. But, what makes it especially hard is that I’m finding it difficult to find the words to describe what I’m feeling. With that in mind, I’ll attempt to finish a blog post about it. If, after reading this, you are more confused than before you started, I’m sorry. Hopefully, the more I write and think about it, the better I’ll be at explaining what I’m feeling here.
I’ve delayed writing this for a good four months now. I wanted to make sure it was real. I wanted to make sure it is what I think it is. I was tempted to write about then. But, I didn’t. I was in a different place about talking about this whole transition thing. And, to be honest I was a little scared. This is extremely new to me.
I found this definition of asexuality online: “Asexuality (sometimes referred to as nonsexuality), in its broadest sense, is the lack of sexual attraction and the lack of interest in and desire for sex. Sometimes, it is considered a lack of a sexual orientation.”
I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I’ve never been “attracted” to anyone. Male or female. Some of this can probably be attributed to my depression. I’ve been told by many doctors over the years that depression puts a damper on sexual attraction. But, it’s never been that way for me. Even if it was being tamped down, doesn’t that mean that I probably would have experienced something? Anything at all? At some point? As far as I know, I haven’t experienced any kind of attraction toward anybody. If I ever have, I’m so far removed from it, it’s hard to identify.
I’ve searched the internet and asked friends (which I’m sure made them feel uncomfortable) about what they feel when they are attracted to someone. I’ve always found it difficult to find anything online that explains the physical reaction a person experiences when they are attracted to someone. Likewise, are the reactions from friends. Is this supposedly so inate that you don’t know it until you feel it? If so, that’s incredibly unfair. It’s always been frustrating to know there is something everyone else is experiencing that I can’t.
I’ve had a few friends over the last year tell me that I’m lucky to not have these feelings. Really? Are they that bad? I’m not a robot. I understand what they are saying. The pain of being rejected or losing someone you love, I’m sure can be very painful. I’m just tired of living a two dimensional life. Sitting on the sidelines while people around me are enjoying life. I’m sure if the loss experienced with sexual attraction and love (yes, I know they are seperate things) is so great, doesn’t that mean that it was good at one point? Is it not worth it?
I’ve been on hormones for over one year. In that time, I’ve seen many very small physical changes. Everything from softer skin to a slightly rounder face. There have also been mental changes. But, exactly how it’s hard to define sexual attraction, it’s hard to put these changes into words. I will say this about the mental changes. I feel like I’m in the middle of jumping a void. While it was hard to see the distinct differences between men and women before I began this journey. The further I spend in mid air on my way to the other side, the less I have in common with the people I left behind where I jumped. I’ve always had this feeling of not belonging as a male. But, now, I look back and see how really different men are from me. I’m seeing things from a different perspective. The jokes. The bonding between men. The way they communicate with each other. Over my life, I grew competant at bluffing my way to their inner circle. But, I never understood them. Now, they seem downright weird.
I’ve only dated to women over my life. One in high school when I was 17. The next came when I felt pressure from coworkers to date at the age of 27. I also felt internal pressure to date. I felt like I needed to experience sex with a woman. I felt like maybe that would cure me of this nagging pull to cross the gender divide. In both cases, I wasn’t “attracted” to these women. I dated out of pressure. They both made it known to mutual friends that they liked me. What ever that means. When I finally did have sex, it was horrible. It was traumatic. Everything about it felt wrong. And every time in the three years we were together, felt like a chore. She knew of my discomfort. And unfortunately, took it rather personally. I never orgasmed. It was hard to explain away. I had to come up with yet another lie.
What I’m getting at here, is that something, I think has changed. I think. Maybe. Over the last six months, I think I might have, maybe started feeling attracted to men. Maybe. Who knows. Sometimes, it’s the muscles on a shirtless guy on tv. Other times, it’s a look. It’s very weird. And I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve never been through this before. I’m more than a little scared.
I’m not entirely comfortable talking about this. But, I’m trying.