I’m not a cross dresser. My dysphoria has absolutely nothing to do with clothing. As proof, I’ll tell you that outside of the sports bra I now wear thanks to the gift the hormones have given me, the only female clothing I own is in storage. And it was given to me against my will by the girlfriend as part of the break up. I thought about tossing (pun?) all of it. But, I guess a part of me realized I would eventually need it. Better to have something than spend money. When it comes to my daily life, I’m pretty much a beach bum. I’m not a slob. And I shower daily. But, I’d rather wear a t-shirt, shorts and sandals (yes, even in the winter) than a suit.
Whether I like it or not, clothing differs by gender. I’ll still be able to wear a t-shirt and shorts. But, I’ll have to buy from a different section. So, when it comes time to transition, I will need to go shopping. I recently had a conversation with a transwoman friend who volunteered to go shopping with me. When she said this, my anxiety immediately kicked in.
I can’t imagine people knowing this secret. I fear death. Sure, you can say I’m being unreasonable. But, I don’t come from a background of acceptance. While I’m grateful for the response I’ve gotten so far, I still fear attacks by strangers. Is it a rational thought? Probably not. Friends assure me I don’t have to fear someone walking up to me with a gun or knife. But, I would rather be safe than sorry. But, that means no movement at all. So, I keep pushing up against my own fears. I’ve come a long way. It took me months (really years of attempts) to feel safe enough to walk into the GLBT Center. I’m no longer afraid to be seen in public with trans friends. And I keep writing in this blog. I’m feeling suicidal while writing this. Every time I stop typing, I get this vision in my mind of putting a gun in my mouth.
This might be rambling, but at least my fingers keep hitting the keys.
What really made me upset was something I haven’t mentioned yet. Back before I sent out the coming out emails, I expressed interest in a sunday brunch group a friend organizes. I haven’t been yet. But, I saw it as a way to break out from my shell. To meet new people.
My left hand won’t stop shaking.
After I came out to some people, the email this friend sends out to the brunch group to see who wants to attend the brunch and when/where it will be, started including my name as Rebecca. I realize this is my friends way of being supportive. But, as I think I’ve made clear above, I don’t live my life in the female role yet. Not even close. Last night, I imagined how this would play out if I go to the brunch tomorrow. Someone I don’t know will say something like “Where is Rebecca?” and everyone in the know will sit silently waiting for me to say something. Only, I won’t be able to.
So, better to just skip out. Walk away.
I don’t want to. I want to keep pushing myself. But, I’ve been pushing pretty hard lately. Life has been moving pretty fast. Maybe a little too fast. I need to take a little bit of a break.
Last week, I had three trans women sit around me trying to convince me that I can pass. And that I have better genetics than what they started with. That may be. I don’t know. I don’t believe it. And honestly, I don’t know where to go from here. I’m on hormones. I continue working on facial hair removal. But, I don’t know how else to push myself.
So for the time being, transition will have to be relegated to staying on hormones and continued weight loss. As you’ve probably noticed, I made a video recently. That’s all part of my “trying new things project”. I’m starting with eating new foods. That’s because it’s easy. And there are so many new foods I want to try. But, I’m not going to confine it to food. There are plenty of other things I want to try. So, I’ll be working on that for awhile. If transition related topics come to mind, I’ll still write about them. But, I realize that there are few places I can go with it right now.