Last week, while speaking with a gay friend I’ve known since my age group swimming days, he offered to come out here and help me move to San Francisco. While it was a very generous offer. I’m not sure I’m ready for such an extreme move.
We had been talking about how I was afraid to drop the male facebook account. I feel like I just can’t let go. And I said that, even though my social anxiety was under control, I still feared death from people who don’t like T people. I’ve been told it’s an irrational fear. No one I’ve known personally has died at the hands of another. I just don’t know how to transition with a face like this. He said that San Francisco is more accepting. Maybe. But, there are also good reasons to stay here for the time being.
I know one transwoman who moved to the Bay Area after college for the explicit purpose to transition. I’ve spoken with her about this before. From what I remember, she mentioned that overall, people are more accepting. But, trans people are also easier to spot since there are so many of them. It’s also not a place you want to move to without a plan. It’s a very expensive place to live. If you don’t have a job and some money saved, why would you move?
Reasons to stay:
1. I’m going to school
2. As much I might like to put some distance between my sister and I for the time being, my family is here. They have been incredibly supportive.
3. If I wait until I get my degree, my job prospects increase.
4. I have friends here.
5. It’s easier to ride a single speed in Denver than it is in San Francisco.
Ok. That fifth one might not be a legitimate reason. But, I really don’t think the benefits of moving outweigh the risks. I brought up the subject with my mom yesterday while I was visiting her. I’m not sure it was a good idea to do so. She cried a little. She’s worried that my depression would be worse if I was in a place where I didn’t know anyone. She might be right. But, I have been finding it easier to talk to people. I said that it might be easier for the family if I wasn’t so close given how my sister has decided to handle this whole thing. Upon hearing this, she was adament that I should not leave because it would be easier on others. She said she expressed hope that my sister would soften her stance eventually. I don’t know if I’m as hopeful as she is.
I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m not moving.