I tossed and turned in bed last night. I was starting to get scared that I made a mistake in outing myself on Facebook. I’m always at my worse when I’m tired. I’ve been conscious of this for quite some time. So, I only entertained these thoughts for a few minutes. Then, I turned over and watched a episode of Star Trek Enterprise from Netflix on my laptop which was sitting on my nightstand.
When I got home from downtown last night, I once again got sucked into Facebook. I briefly had a chat with a former coworker who is in the know. We talked briefly about my change. She expressed support and said that she loved me. Then we talked about an upcoming change in personnel at work. I was looking forward to having a conversation with her about this change before it happens on Monday. I knew she would support me on the name change. I decided to give up kind of early since my roommate had already turned in. My office is right next to his bedroom. So, I didn’t want to keep him up.
An over riding theme for today is cautious optimism. I’m optimistic that tonight’s work shift won’t be what I am imagining. But, I know it very well could be pretty bad. So, I need to be upfront with myself about that. I don’t plan on bringing it up with the person I’m thinking of until she does. I plan on listening to anything she has to say. But, I don’t plan on backing down. This is who I am. This is what I need to do. I am a very patient person. I rarely get upset. And I don’t think this potential conversation with her will cause a fight. I respect other people’s opinions. But, when it comes to something I’m confident about, the legendary stubborness in my blood line kicks in. If our friendship changes, I’ll respect that.
Did I cause confusion with my friends and relatives by changing my name on Facebook? I can hear a certain trans friend giving me that advise in my ear. She laid out a very methodical transition. And compared to hers, mine must seem very chaotic. I can’t help but wonder what she thinks as she reads this blog. But, I know she appreciates the obstacles I’ve had to overcome. When it comes to confusion, I’ll have to take that one step at a time. Most of my facebook friends rarely see me. But, I’ve reached the point in my acceptance that they can choose whatever name they wish. Most have told me that they will be descrete. So, if I meet a new person right now, I’ll choose Robert. If your not sure what to call me and want to be supportive, but not go back and forth, then “Becks” works.
Although, I don’t plan on being at this job for my entire transition, I have to look at my peers who have transitioned on the job. I’ve heard many success stories. And I’ve always paid attention when they tell me how they did it. I definitely don’t think this was the best way to handle things. I don’t recommend it. But, at least for me, it’s not unprecedented. Shortly after I broke up with the girlfriend, I was working with the same company. But, at a different location. I didn’t have a lot of friends outside of work. And I was suffering. I felt like my life had just fallen apart. So, I leaned on a couple of work friends. I’m not sure if they could sense something else was amiss. But, I felt like I needed to speak with someone I could trust. I had been talking with a therapist by this point. But, not actively at the time. And I hadn’t yet started finding the right anti-depressant. I worked at that store for a total of 8 years. I felt like I knew both of them very well. We talked about our lives outside of work on a regular basis. They took my advise. And I took theirs. We had the same feelings about bigotry toward people who identify as gay or lesbian. So, after some thought, I came out to both of them. There wasn’t a facebook back then. And neither one of them regularly used email at the time. So, I wrote a letter. The female friend is the type of Christian I hope to interact with. She’ll tell you outright that she doesn’t agree with you. But, will not stop loving you for doing it. The male friend treated me the same after the letter. And it wasn’t too long after I gave it to him, that he and I spent quite a bit of time talking about it. He’s pretty liberal and open minded. He spoke to me that at first, he didn’t know how to react when he got my letter. But, came to the conclusion that I hadn’t really changed. I was still the same person. I told him I didn’t plan on making any changes for quite some time. Too this day, I count both of them as two of my closest friends. Although, we don’t work at the same location anymore, we are still with the same company. Even though I don’t get up that way very often, I still stay in contact with both of them. In fact, leading up to yesterday’s move, I was regularly in text message contact with one of them about this.
Only time will tell if I made the right call. Yesterday, when I pulled proverbial switch, I was ready to lose every single one of my friends. But, I still sat there concerned that I would lose even one. I’m confident that this is the right direction for me. And I both still look for their approval and hope for their acceptance. There was a time, not too long ago, that I thought I would lose that compassion and a certain amount of my humanity if I gained confidence. I saw confidence as being vain.
I guess I’m growing.