When my sister sent her email in April, I got it on my phone as I was walking into the Denver Public Library downtown. I immediately called my mom. We had an emotional conversation. She assured me that every thing was going to be alright. That, they support me. My sister’s decision hurt. I’m disappointed. But, it didn’t really hit home until today. While I was taking a shower.
Last night, I noticed that my facebook friend count had dipped down to 366 from 367. I tried, mainly out of curiosity, to find out who it was. But, I couldn’t figure it out. Sometimes, facebook is really bad at math. So, after checking on the names that mattered to me, I put it aside. The first name I always check is my brother in law. My sister cut me off from facebook a day or two after I didn’t respond to her email. But, her husband stayed. He even said something about one of my photos about a month ago. I suspected that he felt the same way. But, was maybe trying to be a bridge between she and I. Also, I suspected my sister was using his account to be able to see what I was saying. One of the first things I did this morning was go through the normal list of people I have been checking since Wednesday. The first one, my brother in law, had defriended me. I didn’t have to look further. Without contact with her family, I don’t know why he did it. I don’t know if it was pressure from my sister. Or if it was of his own accord. Well, there goes that link.
I mentioned it on facebook and immediately found support from friends. That means a lot. But, then I got up to take a shower. I found myself thinking about my Aunt Dotie. My Dad’s sister, Dotie really went out of her way to keep us involved in my Dad’s side of the family after the divorce. When she passed away in 1996, It began a stretch of 11 years where my Dad and I didn’t talk to each other. Dotie was the glue. And now, that glue was gone. It took my Dad’s diagnosis of MS to get us talking again. So much time lost. I wish Dotie was here today. I wish she was here to provide that uncompromising and unconditional love that I felt from her when I was a kid.
Throughout this whole experience, I have not felt a shred of hate toward my sister. I don’t understand her choice. But, I’m not mad at her. We are both still relatively young. So, perhaps she will eventually come around to see how much of a happy and whole person I’m becoming. But, I fear that she won’t. I keep telling myself that I’m better prepared to lose her than I ever have been. But, this morning, while taking a shower, it finally hit me. I folded my arms and leaned against the shower wall. And just cried. I fucking balled my eyes out until the water was cold.