Since I got the haircut, my life has changed so much.
I’ve gained ten pounds.
I’ve started started to wear a hat every time I leave the house. I haven’t done that since I was a kid trying to hide.
Why is this?
It’s not a bad haircut. For a girl. And since I don’t even try to pass, it bothers me that it outs me.
So, I’ve been a little stressed of late. Also, something else has been happening in my life that I’m not quite ready to talk about.
Last night, I missed the first half of my group meeting. My roommate is back east taking care of his sick mom. So, I had to get back to the house to let the dog out. Before leaving Denver, I decided to ask a friend who lives very close to me if he rode his bike to work. He had. So, although I was feeling down, I wanted to be around another person. A friend. So, together we rode back up to the neighborhood. He showed me a new route. And when we got up to his house, I stopped in for a few minutes to say hi to his wife and young son who is the cutest little 15 month old I have ever seen. I’m serious. They made one cute kid!
So, I was feeling good. I let the dog out for about 15 minutes so he could do his business. Then headed back to downtown for group. But, by the time I got back there, I was down again. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know many people in attendance. Then, the moderator told everyone that my favorite moderator would be leaving the group to do other tasks for trans people through legislative lobbying. While I appreciate that something like that has to be done, I was shocked that yet another trans friend and mentor would be vanishing from my life. If it wasn’t for her, I would not be in this support group. I left quickly at the conclusion of the meeting. I was not doing well. I approached an intersection on 16th St. I had the red. I could see headlights in my left eye’s peripheral vision. It gave me an idea.
It didn’t end well. I couldn’t even get a car to hit me. I tried it several times as I moved through downtown.
By the time I got home, I was feeling pretty stupid.
Especially since by this time I had heard back from the moderator in question that she isn’t going anywhere.