When I was a kid, I tried to distract myself from my gender dysphoria by listening to music, watching television or going to the movies. As I get older, and thoughts of suicide flood my mind, I’m desperately feeling the need to take it up a step.
The last month has been very trying. There’s the haircut. I’m mostly happy about it. But, I think it outs me and puts more of an emphasis on my face. I’m currently out of the medication I use to block testosterone. It should be here in a couple of weeks. It was an oversight by me. I decided to move checking accounts right when I needed to order another dosage. I’ve gained ten pounds. I don’t want to even talk about that. I’m wearing a hat every where I go. I don’t look people in the eye. I try to reach out to friends. But, they get mad at me. I’m having stressful interactions with an old friend on Facebook. And I think about suicide about 100 times an hour. And a security guard just called me sir.
Recently, I just noticed that I have been doing something very subconsciously. I think I started doing it a couple of days ago. I’ve been holding a coin in my left hand. Moving it between my fingers. Feeling every little groove and indentation with my thumb. I think, somehow, doing this little thing is helping me from spiraling out of control. Before I started typing this, I was spiraling. I was looking out a window at the fall colors on the trees, wishing I was out there feeling the breeze on my face. I wished I was typing this while grass under my bare feet. I feel sterile in here. Disconnected. I reached into my pocket, looking for a pen. But, instead I found a small, beat up penny. Without even knowing why, I felt compelled to hold it. Too turn it. I flipped it between my fingers. Over and under. And slowly, this little distraction helped me feel grounded. Although still upset, I was moving away from the edge. My fingers have stopped shaking. And I no longer feel the need to reach out for help.
Now, if only this lucky little penny could help with the dysphoria.