My So-Called Deviant Life

de·vi·ant

[dee-vee-uhnt]

adjective

1.

deviating or departing from the norm; characterized by deviation: deviant social behavior.
noun

2.

a person or thing that deviates or departs markedly from the accepted norm.
My sister used that word in reference to me and the way I am living my life. I would almost laugh if it didn’t hurt so much. Especially coming from my own flesh and blood and someone who I’ve had such a close relationship with since we were both kids. It’s such a disgusting word, that when she sent it, I cringed. I could feel the pain in my chest. It was like someone had punched me in the gut and stabbed me in the heart at the same time.
I can’t imagine how my life is deviant in any way. Now, under the strictest interpretation of that definition, you could say that once I transition, if I stand out as a transwoman, I might be considered deviant because I would then be “departing from the norm”. But, when you look at me, and see how I live my life, I dare you to find anything about me that even approaches deviant. I live one of the most boring lives imaginable. I work about 80 hours a week. And I have absolutely no social life (as evident by the fact that I’m writing this on the first Friday night I’ve had off in nearly 3 years).
 
Ever since getting that message from my sister, I’ve been thinking about different parts of my life. So, I’ve decided to break my life down into multiple areas to see just how deviant I am. Are you ready? Let’s do this!
 
I grew up as a conservative Republican. I am a proud Navy veteran. Although I have shied away from the modern day Republican party, it’s not like I’ve become a Democrat. I regularly ignore anyone with a clipboard. Although I’m curious about the occupy Denver people, the closest I’ve ever gotten to them is across the street. I used to actively debate political issues with anyone who was brave enough to express their opinion anywhere near me. And I almost got into a fight with someone at Logan airport who wanted me to sign a petition to get rid of Newt Gingrich. Today, I would rather walk away from a political discussion, whether it be favoring the left or the right.
Verdict: Your kidding, right?
 
I spent most of my life as a self professed asexual person. I have never liked the idea of sex. I’ve never been sexually attracted to women. And up until this year, had never been attracted to men. But, I’ve recently come to some acceptance with the fact that I am attracted to men. I have never kissed a man. Although, if the opportunity to do so appeared in front of me, I might. I am curious what that would be like. I have never had sex with a man. And I don’t see that changing. I am not comfortable with the idea of gay male sex. My mind has always been female. I still can’t watch that one scene in Broke Back Mountain. You know which one I’m talking about. Ewww. I don’t think I’ll even have sex again until I’m post op. Whenever that happens. And I’m ok with that.
Verdict: Possibly Deviant
Although, I have been to Gay Pride twice, I did not enjoy it. At the time, I was still having a hard time with personal acceptance. One of years I went, I couldn’t stop walking, afraid that I wouldn’t be able to breathe if I did. Although, I appreciate the freedom that gay pride gives gays and lesbians to be themselves, I kind of feel like some of them go over the line with how they dress. Or their lack of clothing. And I’ve never seen the parade. I work to late in the evening the night before. I don’t have a problem with gay people showing affection in public. And if I ever start dating again, I might show affection in public. I’m not against holding hands or a kiss. I regularly go to a small gay bar in Denver. But, if you walked in there, you’d be hard pressed to see it as “gay” I don’t go there because it’s a gay bar. I go there because it’s a nice relaxed place to hang out with friends.
Verdict: Deadlocked
Although I am taking estrogen and a testosterone blocker, I don’t walk around wearing women’s clothes. I have a fear of getting beat up or killed. And clothing has never been a thing for me, anyway. When I pass sufficiently, I might become a little more comfortable with female clothing. But, I highly doubt it. I’m more of a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl. Don’t even get me started on how stupid makeup is.
Verdict: Are you even trying to live?
I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING THAT EVEN LOOKS LIKE LEATHER. I DON’T OWN A WHIP. AND I DON’T THINK PAIN IS A TURN ON.
Verdict: NOT Deviant
I think your getting the picture. I’m just trying to live my life the best way I know of. My sister thinks this is a choice. Like I’ve said before, it’s only a choice between life and death. I’m tired of not being me. And the sooner conservative religious people understand this, the sooner society can move on to more important things. You know, like loving each other for who we are. Not who you want me to be.
Post Script: Can we please stop with the name calling. It doesn’t benefit anyone and does not make you look very smart.
 
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About Frogtosser

A former sailor and pizza maker who is done hiding from the world and is now living life to it's fullest extent. I'm a single speed bicycle commuter who enjoys writing and photography. I'm a voracious reader. And a huge geek!
This entry was posted in Family, Gender Stuff, Transgender. Bookmark the permalink.

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