I recently looked back on my last blog post and can see the influence of heavy doses of cold and flu medicine. But, as sentimental as it may have seemed, it wasn’t written to actually make the woman in question mad at me.
But, I can see why she is. I spoke out of school about sex and our relationship. It was a long time ago. I thought she had moved passed it. But, when I happened to check in on Facebook later in the evening, I didn’t find a private message from her. No. I found a posting from her detailing her reasons for being mad at me. Some of it, perhaps is understandable. Other points she made, didn’t make any sense at all.
It’s not like we broke up yesterday. We both have spent many years moving in different directions. She’s happily married to one of the guys she cheated on me with. And I’m happy for her. I really am. He’s a nice guy. A bit of a heavy pot smoker. But, so is she. Why would I be mad that she’s happy?
Did the fact that It was written on Valentine’s Day and had Valentine’s Day in the title mean anything other than placing some context in how our relationship started? Not in my mind. I was just trying to put it in context. She seemed upset that I didn’t really love her. If she loved me, then I feel bad for stating it here. But, I thought she knew that. Back then, I really did think that I loved her. I believed that what I was feeling was love. It wasn’t until later that, after some deep soul searching, that I found that it wasn’t love.
I thought we were ready to be friends. Not close friends. But, she has contacted me occasionally since asking to be my Facebook friend to vent about her family.
The breakup was hard on me. Afterward, I found many close friendships with a couple of people I worked with. They helped me find strength in myself. It’s tough living and working in the same neighborhood where your ex lives and works. I worried that I would run into her. But, the mere fact that they lived and worked so close, forced me to venture out and shop at different grocery stores, eat and socialize at different restaurants and discover new places in general.
That was the purpose of that blog post. I’ve been sick for the better part of a week. So, pardon me if the original purpose wasn’t made clear. That particular Valentine’s Day did change my life. It pointed my life in a certain direction. If I hadn’t made the comment to my coworker about how long it had been since I had had a date, my life would be very different today. I don’t think I would have asked her out. It took an incredible amount of peer pressure to get me to do it. I was incredibly shy. If we hadn’t dated, we would have stayed friends. But, I wouldn’t have found out many things I know about myself today.
In her fury filled post yesterday, she made it seem like I used her. I blame myself if it came across that way. Like I said earlier, I thought I was in love with her. I wasn’t “playing house”. But, she was right in pointing out that I couldn’t face the fact that I was transgender. But, you can’t place the me of today into the me of 2003.
You live and learn. I was a different person back then. I thought she was as well.
Sometimes, you just have to move on. The post I read made me understand that it’s better that we go our separate ways. When I first started working, my grandfather told me to never burn a bridge. And I’ve tried to live my life that way. I’m a pretty easy going person. I rarely make enemies. But, sometimes I have let people walk over me. Sometimes you can’t move on until you let other’s go.
So, let go is what I did. I de-friended both her and her husband that night. I don’t need the drama. What I do need is in another direction. I learned some life lessons and had some good times when she was in my life. But, sometimes you forget the bad times. That’s what I was forced to remember after I wrote that blog post. My life is heading a different direction now. I’m happy and moving on. And I’m happy for her. But, that doesn’t mean we need to be in contact anymore.
Take care, unidentified woman from my past. I’ll think of you occasionally and wish you the best.