Reinforcing Shame

I’ve been sitting here trying to remember how old I was when this happened. I think I was between the ages of ten and twelve. We still lived in the Plumrose St. house.

I knew from a very early age that I should have been born female. But, I didn’t think I could do anything about it. It seemed like a very cruel joke I was born into.

I hate even mentioning that I used to cross dress. The definition of a cross dresser is that they get some kind of sexual pleasure from doing it. I never have. But, when your a kid who believes you should have been born female, the one thing you can do to make yourself feel somewhat normal is wear female clothing.

When I was little, I would steal my sister’s clothes. She’s only a year and eleven months younger than me. But, as puberty hit, I ventured to my parent’s closet. I thought I was clever about hiding what I had taken. But, kids are never as clever as they think they are. My mom would always find what I had taken.

She tried talking to me about it. But, I could tell it was hard. Before I graduated high school, I had seen many therapists. But, I never felt safe opening up to them. She even wrangled my dad into talking to me. Wow. That was incredibly uncomfortable.

One afternoon, after school, I went into my parents room to watch tv. I remember laying on their bed. I don’t remember what I was watching. It doesn’t matter, really. My mom was in the other room getting dinner ready. And my sister was watching something on the other tv. I heard my step dad come home. Looking back, he probably already had more than a few beers. My mom must have said something to him. Because he came into the bedroom where I was watching tv and did something completely unexpected. I’m sure she asked him to talk to me. But, that wasn’t exactly his way.

No. He didn’t like to talk. He walked into their closet and then into their bathroom. A few moments later, he came out wearing my mom’s swim suit. He walked around the bed and stopped right in front of me. I sat there frozen. Embarrassed. I didn’t know what to do. I just stared at the tv as he said “Is this what you want? Is it? Don’t I look ridiculous?”

There was an argument (of course there was) after he did this. Then we had dinner. Nothing was mentioned of what just happened. I think we were all rather quiet that night.

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About Frogtosser

A former sailor and pizza maker who is done hiding from the world and is now living life to it's fullest extent. I'm a single speed bicycle commuter who enjoys writing and photography. I'm a voracious reader. And a huge geek!
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One Response to Reinforcing Shame

  1. Paul Bottel says:

    No, Dick wasn’t very good at “talking”. He could be funny. He could be sarcastic, but he wasn’t someone you could confide in or seek advice from. I’m sorry that he chose to confront you about something that was obviously very confusing for you by trying to make you feel bad about it.

    My relationship with him grew farther apart as I grew older. I loved him, but didn’t like him very much and didn’t have much respect for him either. I made a lot of sacrifices while growing up because of him and when I could have really used a father to talk to, he either wasn’t around or would say something sarcastic and hurtful to make me not want to talk to him.

    If you are interested in hearing more, send me an email.

    Paul

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