I was thinking about this on my way to Boulder this evening. I wondered if I was strong enough to withstand the shock of strangers who might hear people address me as “Becca”. Could I hold up to that? How would I react? Would I let it happen? Would I stay? Or……..would I go?
The strength, the inner strength, has to come from somewhere. When I was bullied in elementary school, I was determined to purge anything people might see as feminine or weak. I wanted to be tough enough that the bullies wouldn’t harass me. But, I’ve written about that before.
What I’m getting at, is that I feel like I need something to replace the wall of toughness I built way back then. If I don’t, I’ll be exposed and vulnerable to attacks.
Some say I should just fake confidence. But, I’ve been faking who I really am for a long time. I don’t want to fake any part of who I am. Even confidence.
Will there come a time when I’ll look at people who disagree with me and feel some superiority over them. I’m right in what I’m doing. And I don’t care if you think it’s wrong.
What I’ve been doing recently is kind of being passive about it. It’s not the best way of handling it. But, it’s all I can bare to handle right now. I let myself be introduced as Becca last week. And tonight……..well, tonight, without giving any warning, someone found out.
“We should play Draw Something sometime.” Sure. If my username wasn’t my Facebook login. But, I sent it to her anyway. I was told she would be ok with it. I think I startled her.
“Rebecca (last initial)?!?” With my picture attached to it.
“Yeah.” My head bowing in shame. Yeah, that was a mistake.
The key word here was shame. I felt embarrassed. I was ready to take any backlash she was ready to throw my way. And I’m not sure why. Why do I feel this way? Why couldn’t I stand up for myself? Why can’t I be proud of who I am? Should I be proud? Is this birth abnormality something people find acceptance in?
In that one split second, her opinion of me changed drastically. Before she saw that, the only clue she might have had was my long hair. But, long hair on guys isn’t that unusual.
I don’t find myself worthy.
I spend a lot of time observing people. I’ve been doing it from a very young age. I don’t think I’m quite a mimic. But, I’ve always tried to fit in. These days, I’ve been observing trans people. Not so much how they dress or anything like that. What I’m looking for is deeper. I’m looking for that inner strength. What’s that one thing about these people that gives them the strength to be themselves in such a harsh and unforgiving world. Is it self confidence? Did they start out with better self esteem than I did? Is it the knowledge that we all have a very short time on this large water filled rock?
I’m not sure what it is. But, I’m not going to stop until I solve this puzzle.
Oh. Although I wanted to bolt when she found out. I didn’t. I put my head down, waiting for the onslaught. But, it never came. I did think about leaving. I thought about standing up and excusing myself. But, I thought that by doing so, it would make it that bigger of a deal. And, honestly, it felt like the childish way out. So, I rode out the fear and the resulting awkward silence. We eventually started talking again. But, it wasn’t the same again.