The other day, while chatting with a good friend, I said that I hope I’ll have enough guts to move on with my life without having a life threatening disease or event get me out of the funk that I’m currently in.
You see, I get encouragement from all sorts of people from all different backgrounds. But, the most encouragement seems to come from people from two different backgrounds. Either they’ve reached an age where they see mortality as a real thing. Or they’ve had a life threatening disease like cancer that made them realize that they should live life to it’s fullest now while they still can.
Now, I recognize that my description of my current mental state as “a funk” isn’t really very descriptive. And it’s also a little misleading. I just feel like I’m in a funk most of the time. I know what is keeping me moving forward. It’s this constant fear that I’m going to be beat up or killed if I show the world my real self. I’m in the process of facing these fears. And I hope that by the time fall rolls around, that these fears won’t be in my way as much as they are now.
At the same time, it’s very interesting to get so much encouragement from a friend who has survived breast cancer. Or being pulled aside at the end of group by an older trans friend who is in her 60’s and no longer cares what the world thinks of her to have her tell me that she’ll go shopping with me anytime. It almost, and I stress almost, makes me want to be stricken by a life threatening condition to make me realize that this life is short and I won’t get a second chance at it.