I didn’t write about PTSD session #3. I meant too. But, honestly, it wasn’t very noteworthy. She read some things about PTSD and the treatment I’m there for and had me record it to listen to later. Then she showed me a breathing exercise I can do on my own.
Leading up to session #4, I thought this would be where I had to talk about what happened to me. In the last week, I had been having nightmares about the incident. I kept waking up in two different places. One I had remembered. And the other, I’m not sure is real. I remember the officer touching my breast and asking me if I liked it. I can’t get the way his hand moved as he touched me out of my head. I would also wake up after he whispered something in my ear. But, I don’t remember that happening.
I was more than a little nervous as I walked into this weeks meeting.
But, we started as we did the week prior. She read about things and had me record it on my phone so that I could listen to them again at a later date. Then we watched a movie. It was a VA made video featuring a woman who had survived being knocked out and raped in a parking lot years prior when she was on active duty. It was a real woman who had suffered a very real attack. Not an actress. The purpose of the video was to demonstrate a little more of the process and to show a real life success story. At the end of the video, she is able to talk about her attack as if it was told to her by someone else. She’s a very brave woman.
After the session I threw up a message on Path saying something about how it being a hard session. It was. But, that didn’t start until the video started. In the beginning of the video, some words (perhaps a title) showed on the screen. I don’t remember the first two words. But, the third and fourth were “sexual assault”. It was the word “sexual” where my eyes narrowed in on. Suddenly, it felt like someone had a firm grip on each one of my lungs. I couldn’t look at the screen. I felt like I had to get out of there. But, I stayed.
Afterward, my counselor looked at me and asked what I thought of the video. She could tell something was bothering me. I didn’t know how to verbalize it. I couldn’t look her in the eye most of the rest of the session. So, I looked out the window, concentrating on a certain part of a building off in the distance. I tried to explain what was going on. Well, that’s not entirely true. At first, I tried to change the subject. I said it was a good video. But, she wasn’t having any of that. She kept me on target.
I explained that I wasn’t sure what was going on with me when I saw the word “sexual” on the screen. It was next to the word assault. I said that, although true for the lady in the video. I didn’t see how it paralled with my incident. I explained that sex didn’t have a part in my life at all. Up until recently, I saw myself as asexual and I lived with that most of my life. But, she explained that, although only knowing the basic frameworks of my incident, said that it was a sexual assault. She even used the word molestation.
I’m going to stop here. I’m having a hard time continuing. I’m tired. And I’ve already spoken about this with a friend. So, perhaps I should set this aside. I’m not sure if or when I’m going to post this.