Last year, while hanging out in the upstairs loft of a bar I used to go too, my friend Samantha leaned over closer to me and hovering her hand about six inches above my chest said “How do you hide these?” That was the first time I knew my breasts were out there and I needed to do something about them.
When I first started coming out to myself, I was told by a few trans people that I should expect similar breast growth to my nearest female relatives. Most of my close female relatives are D cups. While a D cup is manageable, I was relieved to know that because I was finally starting hormones in my late 30’s, I probably shouldn’t expect much development.
Well, it turns out, this part of transition is exceeding my expectations. I have to regularly use a sports bra to mash them down. A good friend convinced me to do this recently. But, now she’s telling me that wearing a sports bra on a regular basis is not good for my developing breasts and that I should consider wearing a regular bra.
This causes a few dilemmas. For one, I don’t have the faintest clue what size I am. a few people at group suggested I go to Victoria Secret to get properly measured. YEAH RIGHT!! My friend has suggested that she would be willing to go shopping with me. She had to explain the protocol of using the changing rooms to help me understand that this was possible. The last time I had gone in one, I was a little kid. I full on expected someone there outside acting as a gatekeeper checking to see what I was going to be trying on. She told me some stores don’t do that. Others do. So, we just need to find a store that doesn’t. She gave me an option of one that doesn’t. We’d walk through the store and it would appear that we were shopping for her. We could grab a few men’s items on the way to the changing room and I’d take everything in there to try things on.
The other problem is that I fear being outed by wearing a regular bra. It won’t hide them anymore. She seems to understand my fears. But, then she’ll make a comment that betrays this. She says “Your in the middle of transition. You shouldn’t be embarrassed by this. People will understand.” My experience shows that people do care. Every where I go, people will be able to see my breasts protruding from my shirt. I’m not even close to going full time. Or even part time, for that matter.
I’m so not ready for this change and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it. I wish I lived in the bay area. A friend who transitioned there was able to wear a hoodie just about every day while going through her transition since the weather in the bay area is cool most of the year. I can’t believe I’m saying this. But, I can’t wait for the first snow fall.