I’m sitting here, surrounded by stacks of clothes I have yet to put away or get rid of. I’m mostly moved in. Back in the house where this journey started. From the day that I left this house to the day I returned, it’s been 532 days. And in that time, I can’t (won’t) say that it was wasted. I learned much about myself. I have grown. In many ways, I am a different person. I want to recognize that.
When I left here, I was still incredibly shy and insecure. I wouldn’t look people in the eye. I felt like a freak. An outsider looking in on every day “normal” life. When it came to my gender dysphoria and why I felt bad about it, I accepted what I heard around me from people I trusted. I believed the poison was a healthy kool-aid. I was letting people push me around.
Boy, have things changed. Interesting wording, yes? It’s not intentional. But, yes there has been much that has changed. I’m much more confident. I’ll not only look you in the eye when speaking to you, I won’t mumble. I don’t like that you will still perceive me as male. But, knowing I’m on the right path makes all the difference. I spent 532 days living in an unhealthy place. But, it wasn’t until I started Progressive Exposure PTSD counseling, did I start understanding that I was worthy of standing up for myself. I’m currently in my last couple of weeks in that program. But, I’ve been able to take all that anger, all that shame that was thrust upon me by an officer of the California Highway Patrol and throw it back on him. It’s not my burden to bear. I did nothing wrong. I’ve accepted words like violate and molest as names for things that he did to me. And I’ve vowed never to let that happen ever again. I’m now an active participant in the transgender support group at my local LGBT Center. I’m looking forward to being a moderator. And once the PTSD counseling ends, I’m looking forward to stepping back into my volunteer duties at The Center ( I post on Facebook for the transgender program at the center).
Being back in this house and in a positive environment is important to me. I need it. And since it will only be a temporary stop on my journey, I plan to take advantage of every bit of it’s positivity it can afford me.