Rooftop Anxiety

I’m writing this in the middle of my regular weekly trans support group meeting. Its not the most polite thing to do. But, it’s a coping mechanism. I’m right in the middle of a mild social anxiety attack.
I was planning on not coming tonight. I come every week. I’m pretty much the only person who does. And with the recent conclusion of PTSD counseling, I was looking forward to a week or two of vacation from anything and everything transition related. But, the allure of seeing the rooftop of The Center and seeing the transgender programs coordinator again brought me here.
I think the anxiety started when the programs coordinator asked me if I was coming in girl mode. I initially said yes. But, I had already left the house for the day. I didn’t want to go home. and I don’t really have many clothes. and even less experience wearing them. I’ve come here in girl mode once before. But, I don’t want to have anyone expecting me to do it. I don’t want to be in the spotlight.
Initially, I was looking forward to coming up to the roof. and I walked around when I first got up here. I was relaxed. I looked down at my bike locked up in the parking lot. I sat down. And then I noticed the buildings across the street. the taller buildings and the windows. I feel exposed out here. very exposed. even in boy mode. I didn’t expect it. I’m used to being here. I thought the “guilt by association” thing had faded away. apparently not.

About Frogtosser

A former sailor and pizza maker who is done hiding from the world and is now living life to it's fullest extent. I'm a single speed bicycle commuter who enjoys writing and photography. I'm a voracious reader. And a huge geek!
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