I’m typing this on my iPod in a corner of the Pepsi Center while utilizing an electrical outlet to charge my iPhone during halftime at the Colorado Mammoth’s last home game. I can see my roommates across the way talking with someone they’ve gotten to know over the years and I got to thinking, Would I still be off to the side being a wallflower if I wasn’t charging my phone?
I think I would. I’ve always been like this. Granted, when i was a kid, it was anxiety induced. But, after all these years, it’s mostly a habit. I’ve never been one for small talk. But now, I have an extra reason not to stand around and talk to people.
My roommates call me Becca. And they use female pronouns. But, I don’t even begin to look like a Becca. My hair is currently down. I’m wearing a Mammoth jersey borrowed from a friend. And I’m wearing male jeans. I don’t want to make my friends uncomfortable by making them wonder how to introduce me or by trying and majestically failing to present female in front of all these people.
This borderline state of not being able to pass and not knowing how to present female is making me pull back a little more than usual.