Goodwill Shopping Anxiety Exhaustion

I did not want to get out of bed today. I slept okay. I just wasn’t too thrilled to face the world. It’s been really cold in Denver lately. And I had made plans to go with a friend I had met at the shelter to go clothing shopping at a local Goodwill. My friend has been amazingly supportive. But, still. Shopping has never been my favorite thing. I know I need clothes. And I’d much rather have a friend with me. It’s just that leaving safety behind so that I can get a good deal on clothes is not something I look forward too.

*Another friend was going to the same store later in the day. It would have been nice to have another friend there. But, we were going really early*
It took me long enough to get the courage to get out of bed that I had to send my friend a text message stating that I was running a little late. It turned out that I was only about
15 minutes late. I sent her another text message when I had arrived and finished taking off my jacket and had fetched a cart someone was just returning. She didn’t answer. I knew it was probably only because most women keep their phones in their purse. She had already sent a message telling me she was already there and that I should just come find her. But, it took me a good five minutes to accomplishment that task. I must have passed her three times before stumbling onto her. I was getting so nervous that I was on the verge of just leaving. Shopping for women’s clothing alone hasn’t been something I’ve done for a very long time. And back then, people used to stare at me. It’s not something I looked forward to again. So, it was either find her or get lost. Safety is much more important than getting a good deal on a pair of pants.
Thankfully, I did find her. My friend (we’ll call her M) has always been supportive of me. And she’s a blast to hang out with. I love her positive attitude. There are only a few people I’ll let get close to me. And M is in that exclusive circle. She was very helpful and didn’t push my self imposed limits on bright colors too much. She makes me laugh. Even when she’s only slightly laughing at my phobias. I know my phobias are fears. And that fears are unreasonable. So, it helps lighten the mood when you’re with someone who can lighten the mood and laugh at those fears without denegrating you.
I ended up leaving with six pairs of pants (desperately needed! I was down to one pair of women’s jeans), five t-shirts, an unopened box of picture frames in a set and three pairs of shoes (also desperately needed. Didn’t have any winter boots and was down to one pair of bright pink athletic shoes). All for a grand total of $59. I love 50% off days at the Goodwill. Trying to build a new wardrobe can be incredibly expensive for transgender people. I’m very thankful for thrift stores. Especially one’s near nice neighborhoods. They really can be a goldmine.
M and I had lunch at a nearby sandwich shop and talked some more about how each of us are doing now that we are out of the shelter and rebuilding our lives. She’s doing great, as I knew she would be. We made plans to hang out next week. And made our way to the bus stop where surprisingly, my bus came first. As M lit a cigarette, I dug out my phone to look up the bus schedule when the exact bus I needed just appeared! Great timing! But, I do wish M and I had some more time to talk.
 By the time I hauled my catch for the day into the house, I was exhausted. I chatted with one of my roommates for a few minutes and got sucked into what she was watching on the Discovery Channel. I was just starting to fall asleep on the couch when I was able to get up and drag myself upstairs to my bedroom. I dropped my bags near the closet and sat on the bed. My hands were shaking. Before I stood up from the downstairs couch, I had noticed that my arms and legs were jerking involuntarily. That’s usually not a good sign. Earlier during lunch, I had received a Facebook message from a friend from high school that lives near. She and her husband had invited me out to dinner with their kids. When I received the message, I didn’t hesitate in saying yes. But, by the time I had gotten up to my bedroom I just knew it wasn’t going to happen. So, I sent her a quick message apologizing and saying I wasn’t feeling good. That was one of the last things I remember. Until nearly three hours later.
Anxiety is exhausting.
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About Frogtosser

A former sailor and pizza maker who is done hiding from the world and is now living life to it's fullest extent. I'm a single speed bicycle commuter who enjoys writing and photography. I'm a voracious reader. And a huge geek!
This entry was posted in Anxiety, Gender Stuff, NotAboutFamily, Social Anxiety, Transgender. Bookmark the permalink.

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