Just Another Day (of Isolation)

Why didn’t I see this coming? Perhaps I didn’t want to see it. Perhaps I thought I was going to be able to fight it. Perhaps I thought today would be the day I would beat this wicked nemesis. I’m not sure. All I do know is that I didn’t win. A couple weeks ago, a friend contacted me asking if I would be interested in attending a social event they were holding today. I said yes. It’s happening as I type this. And I’m not there.

My friends say I’m making progress. Yet, this bullshit anxiety and let’s face it, shame keep hanging me out to dry. It’s the same routine I’ve been dealing with my entire life. From sitting outside school dances to hiding out at home instead of going to class to sitting outside in the snow while a mix of people I know and haven’t met yet enjoy each other’s company and warmth. I don’t know how to beat it. It’s frustrating. No. It’s beyond frustrating. It’s killing me.
A lot of this anxiety stems from my body in general. And my face and voice more specifically. It’s bothered me my entire life. But, in recent years, with the courage to come out on Facebook, ironically(?) life has gotten worse. No matter how courageous I thought I was in coming out to my friends and family, I still get caught up in these social occasions. And of course it’s the one thing I used to force my freedom. Facebook. Most social invitations stem from this monster of a social network I have come to detest. Every time I’m placed on an invitation for a social event, I’m both thankful my friends thought of me and cringing because there will be people there who I don’t know. I’ll show up with my very male body and somehow have to tolerate my friends telling them my name is Becca or worse yet, I’ll have to somehow find the strength to tell them my name. In the past, I’ve tried sitting in a corner and try to justify my attendance as a victory over anxiety. But, in reality I was fooling myself.
What reaction will I get? Will they laugh at me? Will they be disgusted? Will they throw a fist? Will they spit on me? Will they use male pronouns just like someone at support group did last week? To reveal my true identity as woman outside of a purely online audience is to invite danger. It endangers my safety.
I need facial surgery.
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About Frogtosser

A former sailor and pizza maker who is done hiding from the world and is now living life to it's fullest extent. I'm a single speed bicycle commuter who enjoys writing and photography. I'm a voracious reader. And a huge geek!
This entry was posted in Anxiety, Family, Gender Stuff, Hiding. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Just Another Day (of Isolation)

  1. barb says:

    even very self-contained people can get only after being alone for too many days. Go to a café, start a conversation with a stranger at the counter…engage!! (<3 U)

    • barb says:

      reply to my reply — people of value don’t think about what’s on the outside of someone (your outside is just fine. btw) Small pleasant encounters are better for some of us —
      Remember what Dr Suess says–the people who matter, don’t judge – that’s paraphrasing — but you get my drift…keep moving forward.

  2. Moheb Rofail says:

    I think you have just to have a reasonable girl look, even girls sometimes have a man body by nature, so you can make things softer by paying more attention to make-up and other things, I can’t imagine I’m saying this, but you have to live happily, are not you?

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